When friends don’t return borrowed items…

You were doing the neighbourly thing by loaning out your ladder to the family next door. I’m sure that most neighbours would do the right thing and return it in a timely manner. But what if they don’t? What if a week or a month goes by? The next time you see your neighbour outside, you might say, “Hey neighbour, you finished with my ladder?” They might slap their forehead, apologize and admit that they’d forgotten about it. They may promise to return it that evening. When they don’t, you may leave a sheepish message on their voice mail reminding them about the ladder again. At this point, you are likely wishing that you hadn’t loaned it to them in the first place.

Try this:

knock at their door and say “Hi, I’ve come to get my ladder.” Be prepared for a slightly rude comment, such as: “Wow. That ladder must mean a lot to you.” They may even storm outside with you, retrieve the ladder and shove it into your hands without so much as a thank you. Even though it is your ladder and your neighbour is in the wrong, the borrower has turned things around to make it seem as if you — the lender — has the problem. Remind yourself that this isn’t true. If someone doesn’t have the decency to return things in a timely manner and appreciate your generosity, then they should be embarrassed about their behaviour, not you. Don’t stop being generous to people who appreciate it, and absolutely assert your rights.

Splitting the tab…

Splitting bills at restaurants can bring about some reeeeaaaaallllyyy awkward moments. Some people feel uncomfortable asking for separate bills, perhaps because they don’t want to be perceived as being stingy or cheap. However, my take on this is that everyone is entitled to order off of a menu according to his or her means. Why should you have to worry about what your friend is ordering? It’s especially difficult when the restaurant’s policy is not to split bills. You may feel doubly uncomfortable about using a calculator to divide the cheque according to what you ordered. Ordering alcohol can really jack up a bill, so this can be an especially contentious issue.

Try this:

Honesty is the best policy. My policy is that if you are dining out with good friends, then they should respect your restrictions. If not, then perhaps they’re not the friends you thought they were. Before you even place an order, you may say something like “I hope you don’t mind if we ask for separate bills this evening. We have a budget we’d like to stick to.”

When you don’t want to lend something…

If your daughter relays uneasiness or annoyance about a friend asking for something that she has put a lot of effort into, you should first validate and acknowledge her feelings of being taken advantage of, especially if this is not the first request of its kind. You can also acknowledge that this is a difficult situation, because although your daughter likely wants to be perceived as being generous and kind, she also doesn’t want to be seen as a pushover.

Try this:

You may want to discuss the difference between having a reciprocal sharing arrangement with a friend so that each feels that the other is putting in equal effort, or being asked for a one-time favour compared to this type of request being made on a regular basis. If it’s regular, you may want to help your daughter find a way to express her feelings, such as: “I’d love to be able to help you, but I’d feel resentful because I’ve put in all the work. So, I’m sorry but I can’t.'”

Awkward moments are a part of life, but after you’ve tackled a few in a way that yields positive results, you will build increased confidence in your ability to manage them.

The post Cringe! Tips for Dealing with Awkward Moments appeared first on SavvyMom.

That’s why we were delighted to discover A Bear in War, co-authored by Stephanie Innes and Harry Endrulat, and beautifully illustrated with original oil paintings by Brian Deines.

Told from the perspective of Teddy, a stuffed bear sent to the front lines of World War I, A Bear in War is the tale of 10-year-old Aileen Rogers who lived with her family on a farm in Quebec. Aileen’s father, Lawrence Browning Rogers, enlisted in the First Canadian Mounted Rifles in 1915 and went to Europe to serve as a medic. In an effort to cheer him up, Aileen parted with beloved Teddy and sent it to her father, who kept it with him in his pocket as he was tending to wounded soldiers. Sadly, Teddy wasn’t enough to protect him, and he died at the battle of Passchendaele on October 30, 1917.

And 85 years later, Lawrence’s granddaughter found the hundreds of letters the family had exchanged, along with Teddy and other war memorabilia packed away in a large briefcase. She was able to delve deeper into the story of how one Canadian family lived through the war. Inspired by the incredible story of Teddy’s experiences, her daughter, Lawrence’s great-granddaughter, took the discovery further and co-authored this wonderful book.

The post A Sweet Remembrance Day Story Book appeared first on SavvyMom.

For young fans, especially those who invest their hearts (and wardrobes) into a team’s season, a loss can feel devastating. Tears are shed. Shirts are tossed. “It’s not fair!” is a recurring exclamation. As parents, it’s our job not to minimize those feelings. And we need to help them work through them.

Here’s how to support your child when their favourite team loses, and turn sports disappointment it into teachable moments…

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Before jumping in with logic (“It’s just a game!”), pause and validate their emotions. It might seem like an overreaction, but for kids, this is real grief.

Try:
“I know you were really hoping they’d win. It’s okay to feel upset.”
“You’ve been cheering for them all season. Of course this loss hurts.”

Validation doesn’t encourage wallowing. It lays the groundwork for emotional regulation.

Model Good Sportsmanship

Whether you’re watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs or a U9 soccer final, your reaction matters. Kids mirror our behaviour, even (especially?!) when we think they’re not watching.

We need to model good sportsmanship when dealing with sports disappointment. If you’re frustrated or muttering about bad calls, they’ll pick that up. Instead of yelling at the TV, try to model disappointment without blame.

Try:
“They gave it their all, and sometimes that’s just not enough to win.”
“I’m proud of how hard they played.”

Shift the Focus to Effort, Not Outcome

This is a great time to reinforce growth mindset thinking. Ask questions like:

• “What do you think they did really well this season?”
• “What would you do differently if you were the coach?”
• “What was your favourite moment from the season?”

This helps kids process the overall experience more fully, and reminds them that the journey matters as much as the score of their final game.

Make Room for Ritual

Having a post-game ritual, whether they win or lose, can provide structure and emotional safety.

Some ideas:

• “Win or lose, we go for ice cream after a big game.”
• “Let’s do a quick gratitude check… name one thing you’re thankful for about this season.”
• “Let’s rewatch some favourite plays or highlight moments.”

Creating predictable rituals helps kids know that the disappointment is temporary and your connection lasts.

Put It in Perspective (Gently)

When the tears dry and the jerseys are back in the drawer, it’s okay to talk about bigger lessons.

 Try:
“Part of loving something deeply is feeling sad when it doesn’t go your way. But that’s also what makes the wins so sweet.”
“Even the best teams lose sometimes. That’s why we keep watching and keep believing.”

Let Them Feel Passion—Even When It Hurts

In a world that encourages apathy and disconnection, it’s actually pretty amazing that your child cares this much about something. Passion is a powerful thing. The goal is not to dampen their enthusiasm. This helps to teach necessary resilience alongside it.

Let them love their team fiercely. Let them cry when things don’t go their way. Then help them dust off, cheer again, and maybe even take a shot on goal themselves.

Eventually, the team will win. And they’ll lose. And your child? They’ll be stronger for having stayed in the game.

Do your kids get emotional when their team loses? Do you?! What’s helped your family deal with post-game heartbreak? Share your tips in the comments!

The post They Lost?! Helping Kids Cope with Sports Disappointment appeared first on SavvyMom.

Enjoy this shoulder month! Ways to enjoy and things to do in November

Take advantage of no plans

Between labour-intensive back to school season, Thanksgiving, Halloween and December holidays, it’s busy. But November is a great time to enjoy the downtime. Bundle up and take a family hike. Get takeout from your favourite place, just because. Watch a marathon of movies in your pjs. Read a new book. The options for enjoying an unscheduled month are endless.

Play hooky

Give yourself and the kids a break and take the day off and do something together. Take advantage of the off-peak hours to go shopping when it’s not crowded. Make something together. Go skating or biking. Revel in the newness of just being together on a school/work day.

Get a head start

Baking holiday cookies is way more fun when you’re not rushed. Find some recipes that freeze well (as most cookies do) and do some batch baking with the kids. Have a cookie tasting and allow everyone to take notes on each variety made and proclaim their favourites. It’s fun to be interactive when you’re not trying to cram five hours of baking into two hours when you’d rather be sleeping.

Decorate for the holidays early

Why not make the most of the last few months of the year by enjoying the heck out of the holidays? Who says we need to wait until December to decorate? Put up the tree, deck the halls, grab the music, shop and wrap and bake and do everything else that brings you and your family joy. You deserve it.

Enjoy shopping

I absolutely adore shopping for gifts for people… but only because I do it in November. I take my time to browse online and am able to make purchases calmly, whether material or experiential, that I think work for people. I enjoy it and I don’t overspend because I’m frantic. I can even involve the kids in a shopping expedition if we avoid malls and stores in December and instead visit them in November.

Get outside

Sure, the fall foliage may be past its peak or gone, but November weather can be quite lovely! Blizzards and icy weather haven’t usually descended yet, there are no bugs, and it can be a great time to go for a hike, bike or zip line. You’ll see the landscape in a different way and get in some heart-healthy exercise before (and after) the calorie bombs of the months that sandwich November.

There are really plenty of things to do in November, and it’s truly a fantastic time to enjoy the relative peace and quiet. You may even find yourself creating some new family traditions to make it one of your favourite months of the year.

The post In Praise of November: Fun Family Things to Do Together This Month appeared first on SavvyMom.

Emotional abuse is quiet. It’s psychological, and designed to make you question your reality. You’re walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an explosion that never seems to come; and you blame yourself if it does.

Emotional abuse is not “poor communication” or a “rough patch.” It’s a pattern of control. It’s one person in the family consistently undermining another’s confidence, independence, and sense of safety. Does that sounds familiar? If it does,  you’re not imagining it.

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Small Moments Really Aren’t Small

When we picture domestic abuse we think of screaming and hitting or something very dramatic. But it often consists of ordinary moments that, compounded over time, leave deep and painful scars.

Here are some signs that something more serious might be happening:

The Moving Target

Every decision becomes a trap. You research, plan, and choose, and it’s always wrong. And when you ask them to decide, they refuse, saying it’s “too much pressure” or “not their responsibility.” You become paralyzed and afraid to make the wrong choice but you’re blamed no matter what you do.

The Silent Treatment

After a disagreement or a reason you don’t know of yet, they withdraw completely. Hours, days, or weeks of silence occur until you apologize, even if you can’t think of anything you did wrong. You start to believe that peace is something that needs to be earned.

Withholding

This one can be especially confusing because it often masquerades as emotional “distance” or “needing space.” Withholding means deliberately denying connection, affection, intimacy, or even basic communication as a form of control. They might refuse to answer simple questions, ignore messages, or turn away when you reach out.

Withholding makes you feel invisible. You become desperate to fix something that you didn’t break.

Over time, you come to believe that your emotional needs are selfish demands, wanting affection or clarity is inconvenient, and that love is earned by being quiet and agreeable (maybe).

Transactional Love

When affection and attention become transactional, love is no longer love; it’s currency. They might offer warmth, compliments, or intimacy only if you’ve done something they approve of. Maybe you apologized for something you may or may not have don, agreed with them or fallen in line. Any kindness is no longer given freely, it’s a reward for compliance.

And when that fleeting kindness disappears again, you scramble to earn it back, even when you’re not sure you did nothing wrong.

The cycle of reward-withdrawal-reward is what makes emotional abuse so addictive and confusing. You cling to the “good moments,” because you think they prove that things can be better, but they’re really part of the cycle of abuse that keeps you hooked.

Dog Whistling

Dog whistling happens when they make a remark or gesture that seems harmless to everyone else, but you know exactly what it means and it’s meant to hurt or humiliate you (whether you realize that at first or not). It could be an inside joke, a tone of voice, or a reference that recalls an old argument, secret, or painful recollection.

When or if you react, you’re accused of being oversensitive or paranoid. Dog whistling is an invisible slap that leaves no mark but stings for hours.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is stringing you along with tiny, inconsistent gestures of care. So when you’re ready to pull away, they send a sweet text, share a photo, or do something sweet “out of nowhere.” It feels like progress or that things are turning around but it’s actually maintenance. Those small crumbs of attention are just enough to keep you from leaving, while ensuring you never get a full nourishing meal of real love or stability.

Revisionist History

Maybe you try to talk about something hurtful or to resolve a past conflict, and they’ll say it never happened (or that it happened differently.) “You’re too sensitive.” “You always twist things.” You think you are certain of the truth, but slowly, your memory feels unreliable. That’s gaslighting.

The Public Performance

When you’re out and about they’re funny, attentive, and charming around friends and family and strangers alike. The person belittles you in private is always everyone’s favourite guest. This is so if you try to explain the truth, you sound hysterical or ungrateful. Or no one will believe you.

The I’m the Real Victim Routine

In new and immeasurable ways, they flip the script. According to them, you are controlling, critical, or impossible to please. This is to deflect blame and keep you doubting yourself, all the while making others sympathize with them.

These patterns don’t usually start all at once. They creep in gradually until you barely recognize yourself. You begin apologizing for things you didn’t do. And you stop making plans without “checking first.” And you live in constant anxiety over what mood they’ll be in today.

Why This Is Abuse

Abuse is not defined by violence. Abuse is defined by power and control. Emotional abuse isolates you from your friends, your family, your money, your confidence, and eventually your own sense of reality.

Emotional abuse can sound like:

“I’m only saying this because I love you.”

“You’re lucky I put up with you.”

“Everyone thinks you’re the problem.”

Even if there’s never been a single act of physical harm, this pattern still qualifies as domestic abuse. It’s the same playbook of domestic violence, just a quieter version.

What to Do If You Think You Are Being Abused

So if you think you are being emotionally abused, what can or should you do? You can’t fix emotional abuse through communication. You can’t negotiate your way out of coercive control. And marriage counselling or couples therapy can make things worse (as counter-intuitive as that sounds. It can make things worse by giving the abuser more tools and language to manipulate and access to your most vulnerable feelings.

Here’s what actually can help:

Talk to Someone Safe

Tell one trusted person what’s going on. It might be a close friend, your family doctor, a therapist, or a women’s shelter counsellor. You don’t need to be ready to leave to ask for help. You need break the silence.

In Canada, you can reach out to the Assaulted Women’s Helpline (1-866-863-0511) or 211.ca for local resources, available 24/7.

Start Quietly Documenting

Keep detailed notes of incidents or confusing interactions. Write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. Save texts or emails if you can do so safely. This isn’t about building a legal case (not right away, anyway). These detailed notes are for validating your own reality. Remember that in Canada, it is not illegal to record conversations if you are one of the participants.

Rebuild Your Community

Emotional abuse works because it shrinks your world. You can start to heal by expanding it again. Start therapy, join support groups, online communities, start exercise, expand your education, or simply reconnect with people who treat you kindly. You deserve to feel relaxed in your own home and to speak without fear.

A Final Word on Domestic Abuse

Intimate partner violence and emotional doesn’t always start with a slap or a shove. Sometimes it starts with a sigh, a look, or an offhand joke that makes you feel small. If you’re constantly trying to avoid conflict, to explain yourself, or to prove your worth, that’s survival mode, not a normal relationship dynamic.

And you don’t need proof to reach out for help. You only need to realize that you deserve better. Because love shouldn’t hurt or make you feel crazy. And peace shouldn’t depend on someone else’s permission.

The post Emotional Abuse: When Domestic Violence Isn’t Violent appeared first on SavvyMom.