“Remember that show we watched this morning about life during the war where the moms were fighting each other for food for their children?” said my dad, pointedly. “I bet they would be happy to have anything on that menu.”

It hit me. Hard. Remembrance Day always makes me emotional, but now I was fighting tears behind an East Side Mario’s menu. I looked across the table at my two beautiful boys, and imagined being in a position where I did not know if I would be able to provide them with food. Where I would physically fight another mother, who was doing the same for her own children.

My throat closed up, my chest tightened, breathing became harder. Overwhelmed by even the hypothetical situation of being unable to feed my children, I was having an anxiety attack.

“Okay, I’ll get the Pepp-ee-oni pizza, but make sure there’s no mushrooms on it please,” my son’s decision pulled me back into reality, one where my kids were privileged enough to make specific demands about their dining.

I tried not to be angry with him. I tried to remind myself that he is used to having food security, he saw the sample pizza photo in the menu and it showed mushrooms, and he was trying to make sure he enjoyed his meal, as we all do when we’re at a restaurant. But I wanted to tell him, “You are so lucky to even be sitting in here, why aren’t you more grateful?”

I have tried to instill gratitude in my children from a young age. When my oldest son was very little, we talked about how lucky we were to live in Canada, and have freedom, safety, security, and enough food to eat. How lucky we were to have everything we needed and some things we wanted. He seemed to get it, but he started referring to those who were less privileged as “unlucky.” I had never thought of the flip side of it before. We retired the word “lucky” in favour of “privileged.” Lucky implies that we simply lucked out, good for us. Privileged carries with it a notion of responsibility for helping those who do not benefit from the same privileges we do. But recognizing privilege does not automatically create grateful children.

Despite my best efforts, sometimes my children do things that are maddening, like complaining at a restaurant. Even more irritating, I find myself taking my own fortune for granted from time to time. I see people who have it better than I, and I am stung by jealousy, forgetting that so many would fight to live my meagre life.

But gratitude means more than being happy with what you get no matter what, because someone else always has it worse. You can be disappointed and grateful at the same time. You can be frustrated and grateful at the same time. You can be jealous and grateful too.

Gratitude means having an understanding of your own privileges and feeling fortunate for the advantages and gifts you have been afforded, even if you have the desire for more. It’s the acknowledgement that as someone who has more than others, it’s your duty to help those in need.

That’s a hard concept for children. They can understand that when Aunt Gladys gives you that horrible orange and red plaid sweater, you say thank-you and pretend to love it, even if you would prefer to have Hot Wheels. But that is being polite, that isn’t gratitude.

They gleefully recite, “You get what you get and don’t get upset” at their sibling, who got a different Happy Meal toy than they wanted, but that is acknowledgement that not everything will always go your way, that isn’t gratitude.

So how do we raise grateful children?

We do it by taking them out of their bubble.

We show them the world, and open their eyes to experiences other than their own. We don’t rub their noses in it, we simply broaden their world to include people living different lives than they do. We don’t shield them from the suffering of others, we show them in sensitive and age appropriate ways that others do not have the comforts that they do.

We encourage empathy.

Teach them to not just see what others have or don’t have, but how they feel. We ask how they might feel if they didn’t have a family who loved them, or food to eat, or toys to play with. We show them that those who have less than they do still feel joyful, and feel grateful for what they have, just as they do. By teaching them to see others as people who feel, not just people who have or don’t have things, they are able to put themselves in other people’s shoes. Rich people, poor people, secure people, people in war-torn countries, they will see them as people first and automatically make the comparisons to their own situations because they can feel how they are feeling.

We don’t need to hit them over the head with how lucky they are to have what they have and guilt them into feeling grateful for anything they have because others don’t. We simply need to help them put themselves in the place of others.

To feel, even for a moment, what they feel. The genuine gratitude will follow. Grateful children will follow.

The post How to Raise Grateful Children appeared first on SavvyMom.

21 Awesome Feminist Kids Books

Sleeping Brilliant by Jessica Williams

What if the princess outsmarted the curse on her own? This stunningly illustrated book turns Sleeping Beauty on its ear by having the classic character use her wits and her engineering skills to save herself. Don’t worry, the prince and princess still become friends. (This book made my mother laugh out loud.)

Pink is for Boys by Robb Pearlman

Why should pink be just for one gender? This simple book shows all colours are for girls and boys (and though it doesn’t say it in the book, all colours are for non-binary people too.) With examples for each colour, this book teaches colours and gender equality to toddlers and preschoolers.

Sofia Valdez, Future Prez by Andrea Beaty

If you liked Rosie Revere, Engineer, you’ll love this book. After her Abuelo gets injured on a trash heap, Sofia fights to turn the gross hazard into a park. Though she meets pushback at each stage, she perseveres, starts a movement, and makes real changes in her town.

The Old Truck by Jarrett Pumphrey, Jerome Pumphrey

A book of few words, but big feelings. An old truck and a young girl work hard, dream big, and grow older. This story follows a truck through generations of little girls who grow up to be farmers, illustrating the power and the reward of hard work and dedication.

Dear Girl by Anna Krouse Rosenthal, Paris Rosenthal

Important and poignant advice from mother to daughter. Co-written by the author with her mother, this book hits home for little girls and big girls alike. Sometimes, we all need to hear these things.

Julián is a Mermaid by Jessica Love

Told mostly through beautiful illustrations, this is the story of a young boy who loves mermaids. After telling his Abuela that he is a mermaid, he uses items from around his house to make his outside look more like a mermaid. His Abuela offers him support and brings him to meet other mermaids like him. A wonderful story of gender expression and love.

Malala’s Magic Pencil by Malala Yousafzai

Malala adapts her memoir I Am Malala into a story kids can understand. Malala speaks of her wish for peace, equality, and safety for all, and the power we each have in our voices.

Ada Twist, Scientist by Andrea Beaty

Young Ada is so busy thinking, she doesn’t talk until she is three. After that, she questions everything, comes up with hypotheses, and performs experiments. Although the mess takes over the house, Ada’s parents learn to encourage their inquisitive daughter and her scientific pursuits.

A is for Awesome by Eva Chen

From Amelia Earhart to Wu Zetian (and of course, eXtraordinary You and the Zillions of adventures you will have), this board book highlights an incredible woman for each letter. The language is simple, and the illustrations are captivating, making this an engaging book for even the littlest feminists.

My First Book of Feminism (For Boys) by Julie Merberg

This book is part of a set that also includes My First Book of Feminism (For Girls). I almost didn’t include this book, because neither gender nor feminism is binary – but the book sets the stage for some great discussions about gender stereotypes, respect, and consent. Use this book as a springboard for those conversations that don’t always have a natural introduction.

Mary Had a Little Lab by Sue Fliess

Feeling lonely one day, Mary invents a machine that makes sheep out of a small piece of wool. At first, this is a great idea! But then the machine malfunctions, and there are sheep everywhere! What is Mary to do? What will she invent to fix this situation?

I am Jazz  by Jessica Herthel, Jazz Jennings

Jazz likes playing with her friends, dressing up, and swimming like a mermaid. When she was born, her parents thought she was a boy because her body looked like a boy body. Jazz knew she was a girl and told her parents. When her parents realized she was a girl, they let her choose a different name and wear the clothes she likes to wear. Jazz lets other kids who may be a different gender than they were assigned at birth know there are other people out there like them, and that their happiness is the most important thing.

Shark Lady by Jess Keating

This true story of how Eugenie Clark went from a little girl who loved the aquarium to a scientist who studies and protects sharks shows children their dreams can become their realities. With beautiful illustrations, and a section on shark facts at the back, this book is a must for oceanographers-to-be.

I Like Myself by Karen Beaumont

Say it loud, say it proud – you are awesome. That’s the mantra of this fun book. You are great just the way you are, no matter what anyone else thinks. It’s impossible to read this anthem of self-esteem and not feel good about yourself.

My Princess Boy by Cheryl Kilodavis

There is no one right way to be a boy. Some boys like trucks, some boys like princess dresses. Boys can dress any way they like, and play with anything they want to. Sometimes people laugh at a boy in a princess dress, but that’s their problem, not the princess boy’s. This book challenges gender stereotypes, and is also just plain fun. (My boy who went dressed as The Paper Bag Princess for Halloween agrees.)

Drum Dream Girl by Margarita Engle

The Drum Dream Girl wanted to play drums. She dreamed of playing them, and heard her music in her head – but on the Island of Music, only boys were allowed to play drums. Inspired by the childhood of Millo Castro Zaldarriaga, a Chinese-African-Cuban girl who broke Cuba’s taboo against female drummers, this book tells the story of a young girl who refuses to be denied her passion because of her gender.

Her Body Can by Katie Crenshaw, Ady Meschke

I wish this book were available when I was a chubby little girl. Showing that every body is a good body, this book narrates as a little girl (who is bigger than most kids you see in books) does different activities, wears different clothes, and shows what her body can do. The body-positive message in this book is subtle, which makes it even better. Never once is this little girl described as being chubby, or any euphemism thereof. It just normalizes her doing the same things any other kid does, and discusses all bodies being awesome.

Dress Like a Girl by Patricia Toht

The steps to dressing like a girl? 1. Be a girl. 2. Get dressed. Those are the only rules for dressing like a girl! This book offers fashion ideas for any activity a girl wants to do, be it conducting a symphony, or blasting into outer space. Of course, these are only suggestions – girls (and boys, and non-binary people) can wear whatever they like.

The Water Walker by Joanne Robertson

This book tells the true story of Anishinaabe First Nations elder and Nokomis (Grandmother) Josephine Mandamin and the Mother Earth Water Walkers, who walked 17,000 km around the Great Lakes to protect, give thanks to, and pay respects to Nibi (Water). Seeing the environment being abused and resources being polluted, Josephine and the Mother Earth Water Walkers put on their sneakers and went out to do something about it. In addition to telling Josephine’s story, the book asks readers what they will do to protect the planet.

Shaking Things Up by Susan Hood

Each of the fourteen world-changing young women in this book gets her own double-page spread containing a stunning illustration, a short bio, and a poem written about her. Profiles include Mary Anning, Ruby Bridges, Frida Kahlo, and more.

Annie’s Plaid Shirt by Stacy B. Davids

Annie loves her plaid shirt. She wears it everywhere. But when her mom insists she buy a dress for an upcoming wedding, Annie feels uncomfortable. She feels weird wearing dresses – she doesn’t feel like herself in a dress. Thankfully, Annie thinks of a way to wear dressy clothes for the wedding while wearing her plaid shirt – and no dresses!

Whew, so hard to choose from such an amazing list of feminist kids books! Thankfully, most of these books are also featured as read-aloud videos on YouTube, if you aren’t in a position to make purchases. Happy patriarchy smashing!

The post 21 of Our Favourite Feminist Kids’ Books appeared first on SavvyMom.

Without fail, every year around the time of Black History Month, I hear this comment. Not just once, either, I hear it said over and over by white people who can’t bear to have a day that isn’t about them. It gets called “reverse racism” (which isn’t a thing, by the way.) It’s said that recognizing the unique accomplishments of black people further divides races, and that, “Why does everything have to be about race?”

It’s generally said by people who consider themselves so not racist, they are “colourblind.” They are people who want to just leave this whole race thing behind us and treat everyone as the equals they are. This is a noble thought, and wouldn’t it be nice if we were there – but we are not. The only people who can afford not to address or acknowledge race are white people. Being colourblind is a privilege. Not having the need for a white history month is a privilege, not a slight.

We need a Black History Month because we have spent hundreds of years actively erasing black history.

We all know the saying, “History books are written by the victors.” The same applies to power and privilege. History books were, and still are, largely written by white men. In this day and age, that means they are being written with a subconscious bias, but earlier in history, they were written with absolute and intentional racism and sexism. Early history books didn’t acknowledge black people as human, never mind documenting their contributions to the world.

As time went on, the work of black people was often passed over and credited to white people. In early America, black Americans who were born into slavery were not permitted to hold patents. That didn’t mean they weren’t inventors, though. Many of their inventions went on to be adopted into use, but they did not receive credit for them.

Black women have been double-erased. Their contributions as black people have been whitewashed, and their contributions as women have been ignored. Consider one of the most well-known cases of this, the women behind the book and movie Hidden Figures: Mary Jackson, Katherine Johnson, and Dorothy Vaughan. Their work was vital to NASA, but they didn’t get the credit they deserved until very recently – recognition gained in large part due to initiatives like Black History Month, which pushes us to look for their stories.

Without the active call to look for these incredible stories within black history, many of them go forever unrecognized. When history is documented by white men, and white people want to be “colourblind”, there is no motivation for people with privilege to seek out and learn these stories.

Black History Month shines a spotlight on the void where these stories should be.

In addition to giving these stories, and these people, the justice they deserve, Black History Month is an excellent opportunity for everyone to learn about these incredible people. Public speaker and writer Brittany Packnett beautifully puts into perspective the significance of learning about black people throughout history. “Black descendants of enslaved people across the Americas are STILL HERE. You ever really think about what that means? Don’t disrespect the ancestors. They breathed life into us. No way we’d be here if they weren’t the most creative, most powerful, most triumphant. We were supposed to build their countries and then die off. We were discarded. Here we are, generations later, inventing and reinventing the whole world.”

I grow tired of hearing the triumphs and accomplishments of people who were born into privilege. Yes, these stories have a place in history and are important, but they are well-documented and handed down through generations of grade-school history classes.

Tell me the stories of people who accomplished greatness when the world did not even acknowledge their humanity. Tell me the stories of strength and triumph and survival that are unique to black people alone. Tell the stories so that the descendants of these astonishing people can take pride in their history, and tell the stories so that those of us with privilege that we gained on the backs of these ancestors can hold ourselves accountable.

Being colourblind is a noble idea, but it’s a false solution. We can’t stop seeing race – not while the power is still held by white people who refuse to acknowledge their privilege. “Celebrate all history” is just as tone-deaf as “all lives matter” and “not all men.”

We have celebrated white history in North America for centuries. Spotlighting black history specifically for one month a year will not threaten that. It’s sad enough that we even confine it to one month when black history should be celebrated as loudly and as frequently as the history in our outdated textbooks.

This month, each time you are tempted to scoff at the notion or the need for Black History Month, I want you to stop immediately, and learn about one black person in history and the way that person has bettered your life today.

Learn their names. Learn their faces. Thank them. Then do it again and again until you realize that Black History Month is a gift to people of all races.

The post Why Black History Month Is Important for Everyone appeared first on SavvyMom.

And that’s okay.

The pressure is there, though, isn’t it? It starts when we are very young, even before we begin school.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Most kids can’t figure out what they want in their Happy Meals, but we ask them their career intentions? Sure, some kids are decisive, even if unrealistic. And of course, we accept any answer they give. I wanted to be a singer, despite sounding like Ethel Merman with a cold. My sister spent a good deal of time trying to decide between being a princess and living at Casa Loma, or being a bird – and my parents said, “You do you, Sweetheart.”

But does this seemingly benign question emphasize the wrong things? That’s what Dr. Rumeet Billan tries to uncover in her children’s book, Who Do I Want to Become? She explains, “In the book, Dylan is struggling with a class project and has to present to the class the next day on what he wants to be when he grows up. He asks his family and friends what they want to be and everyone has an answer, everyone, but him. Dylan’s mom comes home from work and shares with him that she still doesn’t know what she wants to be, and it’s in this moment where Dylan realizes that it’s not what you want to be that is important, instead it’s who you are and who you want to become that matters the most.”

This realization gives Dylan a sense of relief. Honestly, it had the same effect on me as an adult reader. Deciding what you want to be feels very concrete and rigid. Better make the right decision, because you will be stuck there your whole life. At least it can feel that way, and that is paralyzing.

In contrast, who you want to be is much more fluid.

Billan discusses how deciding who you want to be still ultimately helps children choose their future path, explaining, “There is a difference between expectations and dialogue. Preparing children for the future of work involves dialogue around strengths, interests, preferences, purpose, and meaning. This helps to identify a direction that is of interest to the child. It also involves developing transferable skills like resilience, communication, and empathy. Skills that are needed across sectors, industries, and professions. Most importantly, helping children develop their self-confidence and psychological capital is critical to preparing them for the future workforce.”

Having changed my career several times, and struggled with the notion of my identity being tied to how I earn money, I wish I had been given this lesson as a child. While your profession can certainly be a source of pride and a part of your identity, it is one facet of who a person is, and certainly not something children need to be worrying about.

So how do we take this pressure off of our kids?

Billan suggests we change the question. “I believe that when we change the question, it encourages children to reflect and focus on their character strengths which is so powerful. This also alleviates some of the pressure and anxiety that youth are currently experiencing, because of the expectations put on them to know exactly what they want to do when they graduate high school. The future of work in unknown and it is important to start shifting the dialogue so that children and youth can be future ready in a confident way. The what is a moving target and the who is already inside of them.”

Who Do I Want to Become does an excellent job of conveying Dylan’s anxiety over his future, using simple language, and an easy to follow story. It’s a great read for any age group. “Specifically, the age range is between 5-9 years old,” says Billan. “Generally, the book is for anyone of any age who is struggling with the question what do I want to be when I grow up? I know many adults who are still pondering this question and younger children who love the illustrations in the book.”

As a parent, I’m guilty of asking my children that loaded question many times. Billan’s book gave me pause, and I will be flipping the script when I approach the subject with my children in the future. When it comes right down to it, I don’t really care what they do for a living when they are grown. I’m much more interested in who they will be as people.

After all, I’m not raising chefs, or engineers, or nurses. I’m (hopefully) aising kind, curious, well-rounded human beings.

The post Asking Kids What They Want to Be vs. Who They Want to Be appeared first on SavvyMom.

My parents kindly and benevolently allowed our family of four to move into their modest house. Problem solved, right? Well, not exactly. Six people living in a three-bedroom, one bathroom house is not logistically easy. Nor was it easy to run two households under one roof.

It was difficult for me to balance playing the roles of wife, mother, and daughter simultaneously, particularly since those roles often conflict with each other. I was the go-between for everyone, which could be draining, and with four adults living together, helping to raise children together, there was bound to be stress.

But all of that paled in comparison to our gratitude for the gift my parents gave us. Not just in offering us a place to live, but in the difference they make in the lives of our children.

My parents have always taken grandparenting seriously. From the moment my first child, their first grandchild, was born, they were actively involved. To say they love their grandchildren would be a great understatement. They live for their five grandchildren.

I know that despite the strain our family put on them, and the stress of having four extra people in their house, my parents adored spending as much time as they wanted to with my kids. Every morning, my youngest bounded into bed with Grandma to chat with her before school. In the evening, my oldest sat attentively beside Grandpa on the couch, soaking in an impromptu guitar lesson.

They have their own restaurants that Grandpa takes them to, and songs they only sing with Grandma. They are spoiled rotten. Despite best efforts, my parents can’t resist. But with being spoiled comes an awareness and gratitude from my children for the privilege of having their grandparents so involved in their lives.

They are being raised by four people. Two generations, and all the wisdom and experience that comes with it. They know that Mom and Dad make the rules and have final say on parenting decisions, but they frequently seek advice and comfort from their grandparents, who are eager to oblige. Having a set of trusted adults around who are not in charge of disciplining them gives them a wonderful opportunity for confidants.

There are no secrets between them. They know that Grandma and Grandpa keep us in the loop. But sometimes, it’s just nice to talk to a grandparent instead of your mom. And on the flip side, it’s lovely for my parents to be able to do the fun stuff and hand them back when they need a break.

My parents were fantastic parents when we were growing up. But like me, they were still learning how to parent, and they had to deal with all the banalities of parenting, and the stress that comes with it. This is not the case with grandparenting. My mom frequently says if she knew how great grandparenting would be, she would have done it a lot sooner. She speaks often about how she loved being a parent when we were little, but it has nothing on being a grandparent. My parents were born to play this role, and it shows.

So while I can’t deny that I was anxious for us to find our own place and be autonomous again, I will be forever grateful for the time my children spent with full-time grandparents. I know that the relationship built during this time will continue on, and formed a bond between them that can never be broken. I know the lessons they learned from spending their formative years with their grandparents will benefit them into adulthood.

To quote my wise and wonderful mother, “There is nothing on earth better than being a grandparent.”

Agreed, Mom. Except maybe being a grandchild.

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