Emotional Abuse: When Domestic Violence Isn’t Violent

Not all abuse leaves marks. Emotional abuse is what domestic violence looks like when it isn’t physically violent. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. So in between giving thanks and shelling out, it’s important to understand what may be happening behind the scenes at many of these seemingly happy family occasions. Because many women experiencing domestic violence don’t understand or realize that’s what’s actually happening. Abuse is abuse, even if there are no bruises, no shouting, and no 911 calls.

Emotional abuse is quiet. It’s psychological, and designed to make you question your reality. You’re walking on eggshells, trying to prevent an explosion that never seems to come; and you blame yourself if it does.

Emotional abuse is not “poor communication” or a “rough patch.” It’s a pattern of control. It’s one person in the family consistently undermining another’s confidence, independence, and sense of safety. Does that sounds familiar? If it does,  you’re not imagining it.

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse

Small Moments Really Aren’t Small

When we picture domestic abuse we think of screaming and hitting or something very dramatic. But it often consists of ordinary moments that, compounded over time, leave deep and painful scars.

Here are some signs that something more serious might be happening:

The Moving Target

Every decision becomes a trap. You research, plan, and choose, and it’s always wrong. And when you ask them to decide, they refuse, saying it’s “too much pressure” or “not their responsibility.” You become paralyzed and afraid to make the wrong choice but you’re blamed no matter what you do.

The Silent Treatment

After a disagreement or a reason you don’t know of yet, they withdraw completely. Hours, days, or weeks of silence occur until you apologize, even if you can’t think of anything you did wrong. You start to believe that peace is something that needs to be earned.

Withholding

This one can be especially confusing because it often masquerades as emotional “distance” or “needing space.” Withholding means deliberately denying connection, affection, intimacy, or even basic communication as a form of control. They might refuse to answer simple questions, ignore messages, or turn away when you reach out.

Withholding makes you feel invisible. You become desperate to fix something that you didn’t break.

Over time, you come to believe that your emotional needs are selfish demands, wanting affection or clarity is inconvenient, and that love is earned by being quiet and agreeable (maybe).

Transactional Love

When affection and attention become transactional, love is no longer love; it’s currency. They might offer warmth, compliments, or intimacy only if you’ve done something they approve of. Maybe you apologized for something you may or may not have don, agreed with them or fallen in line. Any kindness is no longer given freely, it’s a reward for compliance.

And when that fleeting kindness disappears again, you scramble to earn it back, even when you’re not sure you did nothing wrong.

The cycle of reward-withdrawal-reward is what makes emotional abuse so addictive and confusing. You cling to the “good moments,” because you think they prove that things can be better, but they’re really part of the cycle of abuse that keeps you hooked.

Dog Whistling

Dog whistling happens when they make a remark or gesture that seems harmless to everyone else, but you know exactly what it means and it’s meant to hurt or humiliate you (whether you realize that at first or not). It could be an inside joke, a tone of voice, or a reference that recalls an old argument, secret, or painful recollection.

When or if you react, you’re accused of being oversensitive or paranoid. Dog whistling is an invisible slap that leaves no mark but stings for hours.

Breadcrumbing

Breadcrumbing is stringing you along with tiny, inconsistent gestures of care. So when you’re ready to pull away, they send a sweet text, share a photo, or do something sweet “out of nowhere.” It feels like progress or that things are turning around but it’s actually maintenance. Those small crumbs of attention are just enough to keep you from leaving, while ensuring you never get a full nourishing meal of real love or stability.

Revisionist History

Maybe you try to talk about something hurtful or to resolve a past conflict, and they’ll say it never happened (or that it happened differently.) “You’re too sensitive.” “You always twist things.” You think you are certain of the truth, but slowly, your memory feels unreliable. That’s gaslighting.

The Public Performance

When you’re out and about they’re funny, attentive, and charming around friends and family and strangers alike. The person belittles you in private is always everyone’s favourite guest. This is so if you try to explain the truth, you sound hysterical or ungrateful. Or no one will believe you.

The I’m the Real Victim Routine

In new and immeasurable ways, they flip the script. According to them, you are controlling, critical, or impossible to please. This is to deflect blame and keep you doubting yourself, all the while making others sympathize with them.

These patterns don’t usually start all at once. They creep in gradually until you barely recognize yourself. You begin apologizing for things you didn’t do. And you stop making plans without “checking first.” And you live in constant anxiety over what mood they’ll be in today.

Why This Is Abuse

Abuse is not defined by violence. Abuse is defined by power and control. Emotional abuse isolates you from your friends, your family, your money, your confidence, and eventually your own sense of reality.

Emotional abuse can sound like:

“I’m only saying this because I love you.”

“You’re lucky I put up with you.”

“Everyone thinks you’re the problem.”

Even if there’s never been a single act of physical harm, this pattern still qualifies as domestic abuse. It’s the same playbook of domestic violence, just a quieter version.

What to Do If You Think You Are Being Abused

So if you think you are being emotionally abused, what can or should you do? You can’t fix emotional abuse through communication. You can’t negotiate your way out of coercive control. And marriage counselling or couples therapy can make things worse (as counter-intuitive as that sounds. It can make things worse by giving the abuser more tools and language to manipulate and access to your most vulnerable feelings.

Here’s what actually can help:

Talk to Someone Safe

Tell one trusted person what’s going on. It might be a close friend, your family doctor, a therapist, or a women’s shelter counsellor. You don’t need to be ready to leave to ask for help. You need break the silence.

In Canada, you can reach out to the Assaulted Women’s Helpline (1-866-863-0511) or 211.ca for local resources, available 24/7.

Start Quietly Documenting

Keep detailed notes of incidents or confusing interactions. Write down what was said, when, and how it made you feel. Save texts or emails if you can do so safely. This isn’t about building a legal case (not right away, anyway). These detailed notes are for validating your own reality. Remember that in Canada, it is not illegal to record conversations if you are one of the participants.

Rebuild Your Community

Emotional abuse works because it shrinks your world. You can start to heal by expanding it again. Start therapy, join support groups, online communities, start exercise, expand your education, or simply reconnect with people who treat you kindly. You deserve to feel relaxed in your own home and to speak without fear.

A Final Word on Domestic Abuse

Intimate partner violence and emotional doesn’t always start with a slap or a shove. Sometimes it starts with a sigh, a look, or an offhand joke that makes you feel small. If you’re constantly trying to avoid conflict, to explain yourself, or to prove your worth, that’s survival mode, not a normal relationship dynamic.

And you don’t need proof to reach out for help. You only need to realize that you deserve better. Because love shouldn’t hurt or make you feel crazy. And peace shouldn’t depend on someone else’s permission.